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Those Wacky Heterosexuals
Archived Episode No. 2 Feb 26 2000

Those Wacky Heterosexuals

2000-2007 B. Allan Ross

Episode No. 2
February 26, 2000

Police arrest doctor for padlocking a woman's vagina
Beijing, China -- According to Wednesday's Beijing Evening News, Dr. Yao Yung, an avowed heterosexual, has been arrested after suspicious neighbors reported witnessing his live-in girlfriend, 22-year-old Liu, having difficulty walking.

Police discovered Liu had a rusty padlock pierced through two holes in her labia. Dr. Yung surrendered the key when Liu led officers to the local clinic where he worked. He had drugged and raped Liu during a check-up, forcing her to live with him by threatening to kill her family.

Church worker who cut off the head of his son's daughter's mother
with an axe found guilty of murder and jailed for life

London -- Anthony Phillips, 43, was a church steward and promoter of heterosexuality at the time he decapitated Lorraine Howell with an axe. Howell lived next door, and Phillips discovered she had recently given birth to a girl, fathered by his son, Jamie.

In court, Phillips was described by a supportive group of fellow heterosexual religious supremacists as a deeply religious man, who told police he thought he was doing his god's work by killing Howell. Her two children were also in the home during the decapitation. Phillips believes that she raped Jamie when she was 34 and Jamie was 15.

Howell told police he "took the axe and hit her with it repeatedly.... There was blood everywhere.... God does not want people like that on Earth and I had to remove that person from the Earth."

Legally married couples
who engage in any form of oral or anal sex remain felons

Virginia -- A state Senate Committee has halted any reform of Virginia's "crimes against nature" law. Felony penalties even for consensual, private, oral or anal sex between heterosexual, opposite-sex adults range up to five years in prison and a $5,000 fine.

Jack Knapp, a radical activist who promotes the heterosexual lifestyle, and a practicing heterosexual, represents the Virginia Assembly of Independent Baptists. Knapp testified before the Committee that the law should be preserved as public policy even though "You know and I know that there are no police in the bedroom."

Loree Erickson of Richmond, whose disabilities have required the use of a wheelchair since her childhood, told lawmakers, "Under Virginia law, I'm a felon. It's now considered a felony for me to express intimacy with the person I love the only way I can."

"This is a time for strengthening the moral fiber of the Commonwealth," Knapp stated, instead of reducing the "crime" to a $250 misdemeanor, as had been proposed.

Those Wacky Heterosexuals Thought for the Day

February 9, 2000

Letter to the Editor

Found in Cityview, Des Moines, Iowa:

If we had such a thing as gay rights and it was applied to affirmative action and welfare, how would we enforce this?

What's to stop me from going to a government office and falsely stating that I'm gay? Is there a gay registry where they can look me up? Is there something like the FBI personality profile that detects gays?

Will they inspect my genitals for fellatio marks? What would this tell them? Couldn't a woman have made those marks? Well, OK, there's probably a DNA difference between male and female saliva. But what if I borrowed some spit from another man and dabbed it on with a sponge?

Dave Foster, Des Moines

Till next time, see ya 'round the 'net!
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"Those Wacky Heterosexuals" 2000-2007 B. Allan Ross

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