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“Since 1999”
Those Wacky Heterosexuals
Archived Episode No. 3 Jun 2 2000

Hooker Tricked By Fake Cop Upset By Sentence
An avowed heterosexual, Craig J. Ziegler, 35, was sentenced to five years probation in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania in November for impersonating a law-enforcement officer and forcing a woman who described herself as a former prostitute to perform a sex act. The victim was outraged that Ziegler got no jail time for the assault. She pointed out to reporters that the last time she was in court for prostitution she went to jail for seven months.

Alabama Heterosexual Pregnant And Angry
Gretchen Radslaw of Mobile, Alabama, is suing a local pharmacist for $500,000. She went to this pharmacist because he was selling a contraceptive jelly that was 98% effective in preventing pregnancies. Gretchen began diligently spreading the jelly on her toast every morning, but after three months found herself pregnant. The suit states that the chemist never told her that the jelly was not edible, or that it needed to be applied to the genital area prior to opposite-sex intercourse.

Custody Dispute Turned Into Murderous Demolition Derby
The ex-husband of a woman who caused a car crash that killed seven people, six of them children, said his ex-wife intended to kill herself and the divorced couple's children. Vic Kirby told The Daily Journal of Johnson County, Indiana, that he believes Judy Kirby wanted to prevent him from gaining custody of their children.

Very actively heterosexual Judy Kirby had custody of 11 children - five from her marriage with Vic, five from another relationship, and a nephew she had just adopted.

"She led me to believe she was going to let me have all the kids," said Vic, also an avowed heterosexual. "She put me off another wee and then this happened."

Investigators could not explain why the woman had driven 1.7 miles in the wrong direction before the fatal collision with a minivan near Martinsville, Indiana. She passed four possible turn-offs.

The driver of the minivan and two of his children were killed, along with three of the Kirby's children and the nephew Judy had just adopted.

Judy Kirby was one of only two survivors, and was taken to Methodist Hospital in Indianapolis in serious condition.

"Her family is not going to agree with this and what I'm saying, that she meant to do this," said Vic, adding that she had been hospitalized for depression within the previous two weeks and had told two sons that she planned to commit suicide. Vic said the couple divorced six years ago and had been locked in a custody dispute over their five children.

Drunken Het Family Values
A recent New Orleans, Louisiana court case brought a father and son together after a 30-year estrangement.

Renee Puissance, 71, failed a Breathalyzer test after a head-on collision with another drunk driver. The other drunk driver was Harold Porter, 31, an out-of-work boilermaker who took the Porter name from his adopted father after his heterosexual mother's divorce from Puissance and her marriage to Porter. Coincidentally, both father and son - beside both being drunk drivers who used the same street at the same time - have practicing heterosexuality in common.

Brother, How Could You?
Clyde Charles, 47, was recently freed from the Angola prison in Louisiana after serving nearly 20 years for rape when a DNA test implicated his brother Marlo, a practicing heterosexual, instead.

All Vegetables Are Not Created Equal
A group of radically heterosexual women stormed an all-male Kenyan police station to demand officers either make love to them or close illegal drinking dens which the women said made their husbands impotent, reports The People newspaper. The local paper said the women, from Kandara, north of Nairobi, brought business in the town to a halt with their day-long protest against excessive drinking by their husbands.

On the assumption that the police station was staffed only by heterosexuals, the women demanded that the officer in charge of the police station either order his men to make love to them or find them new husbands, because they were sexually frustrated. Police reaction to their demands was not reported.

"Our men have turned into [soft?] vegetables. They leave home early and come back intoxicated. There is nobody to meet the sexual needs of wives," one woman said.

Drawn from 24 Catholic church groups, the women said the population of the district was falling as a result of the poor heterosexual "performance" of their husbands.

Instant Karma's Gonna Get You
A widow in Okeechobee, Florida, pleaded "no contest" to animal cruelty for her part in "crush videos," which show women crushing small animals to death with their feet. Stephanie Loudermilk, 29, was sentenced Friday to two years of probation, 300 hours of community service and psychiatric counseling.

The crush videos are sold to people who get sexual pleasure from watching women crushing rats, mice and other small animals. In the tapes she handed over, Loudermilk was seen stepping on rabbits and mice until they were dead.

"It was abhorrent and cruel," said Assistant State Attorney Bernard Romero. "My first instinct was to seek the maximum penalty." But the case was more complex than it seemed, Romero said. "It was the defense's contention that she was not a willing participant and that she was beaten many times by [her husband] Bryan Loudermilk."

Mrs. Loudermilk turned over the videotapes to a detective investigating her husband's death. She was charged in July with two counts of felony animal cruelty, which were lessened to misdemeanors in a plea deal.

The crush videos were made by Bryan Loudermilk, who died in June after being crushed under the rear wheel of his own truck.

Her Very Own Hopeless Chest
When Maria Blackburn opened the abandoned storage unit she bought at an auction, the last thing she expected to find was a body. Enclosed among opposite-gender wedding pictures, champagne glasses and other personal effects was the body of the groom, Robert Bourk. The details of Robert's death have not been released, but his widow, Darlene Bourk, a practising heterosexual, has been charged with his murder.

Upland police Lt. Ed Gray said Robert would have remained listed as missing, had his wife not failed to pay the self-storage facility.

Breaking News!
You Can't Trust Everything You Find On The Internet!

Two self-professed heterosexuals, Trevor Tasker, 27, of England, and Wynema Shumate of the United States, met on the Internet, swapped pictures, and fell in love. Tasker decided to start a new life of opposite-gender bliss with Wynema in America. After flying the 3,000 miles to Charleston, South Carolina, Trevor landed and stepped off the plane ready to be met by the beautiful Wynema. Nope.

He discovered she is actually 65 years old, gray-haired, and weighs 280 pounds. The pictures had been taken of her when she was 35. Trevor still went to Wynema's house to live for a while.

After a week of living there he discovered what was in her freezer: her former employer, James O'Neil. As she finally confessed, she hid O'Neil in the freezer after trying to cut him up with a hacksaw. O'Neil and Shumate had also planned to be married.

A spokesman for the North Charleston Sheriff said, "She met him at the airport and he said he almost had a heart attack when he saw Shumate, who is at best large and unattractive. I don't know why he didn't go screaming from the terminal there and then."

A police source said, "We have asked Mr. Tasker to stick around while we wait for the body to thaw out. We are talking about someone who fell in love and flew across the ocean because of something he found on the Internet. I guess it seemed like a good idea at the time."

Trevor has said, "I'll never log on again. I will never use the Internet again. I thought I was going to make new friends and I found out things about places all over the world.... I am still in shock and I don't think I can ever eat meat again. Everything she cooked tasted horrible. She said it was cornmeal, but now I don't know whether to believe her."

He added, "I thought I had found someone I would become close to. There was never any hint about the body in the freezer or that she was lying about everything. I've learnt a lot. You have to be careful. There are some very strange people on the Internet. I'm not going anywhere near it again."

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