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“Since 1999”
Those Wacky Heterosexuals
Archived Episode No. 4 Jul 29 2000

One Shot Wonder
In Hugo, Oklahoma, Sonya Boslic, 33, the legally married mother of a teenage girl fired a shot at the mother of another girl. Bostic was firing the gun at Ruthie Pearl, 35, also a legally married practicing heterosexual, after they argued in a stadium packed with about 500 students and parents for a school track event.

A bystander was struck in the buttocks as she fled on seeing the gun, and was taken to the hospital.

"There were 20 or 30 second-graders sitting right thee, close to where this took place," Hugo Police Chief Layton Cox said. An officer disarmed Bostic while she was still pointing the gun, and she was arrested and jailed. The gun turned out to have no more bullets. Police said the Bostic and Pearl families had a two-year history of antagonism.

Legally Married Parents With No Family Values
A married opposite-gender couple in San Antonio, Texas are charged with starring their three children - ages 5, 10 and 11 - in homemade pornographic movies. Authorities say more than 100 homemade videos were found in the family's home, featuring the children, as well as prostitutes, engaging in sexual acts. The three children have been placed with another legally married het couple, their aunt and uncle. The openly heterosexual parents face two to 20 years behind bars if convicted.

Het Georgian's Mother Love
As reported in APB News, Gainesville, Georgia, police have arrested a practicing heterosexual named Robin A. Huff for throwing her stillborn infant out into her back yard for stray animals to eat. She's only been charged with a probation violation - she failed to report in on time - because there are no other laws that were broken.

The child's body parts had to be pieced together enough to determine that Huff gave birth on her own, and that when the baby was stillborn, she simply tossed the child's body into the trash that was piled up around her house.

Police are still trying to find some Georgia law under which to charge her.

Cops To Keep An Eye Out For Boner In Your Pants
Forever associated with "penis", Republican Mississippi state Senator Tom King, a radical heterosexual activist, has taken a lot of teasing for introducing a bill making it a crime for a man to have an erection in public - "showing of covered male genitals in a discernibly turgid state."

This law is already on the books in Indiana and is under consideration in Park City, Utah.

Now, Republican Arizona state Representative Dan Schottel, also a radical heterosexual activist seemingly obsessed with male genitalia, has submitted and sponsored a similar bill. Schottel's bill would make it illegal for men to have erections - "male genitals in a discernably turgid state even if completely and opaquely covered" - in a bar in Arizona.

Stolen from the Boneheads of the Day email list:

We wonder how this is to be enforced. Will they be using dogs to go around sticking their snouts into men's crotches to detect non-compliance? If not dogs, then whom? Will phone calls like this one become commonplace?

Patron: Hello, police? I want to report a serious crime at the Hotsy Totsy Bar.
Police: Are people drinking too much and creating a danger?
Patron: Well yes, of course, alcohol does this, but this is much more serious than alcohol-induced violence!
Police: Is someone being assaulted or raped?
Patron: Yes, but this is much more serious. Why do you keep talking like alcohol is the big problem here? It's not. My Representative, Dan Schottel, my idol, has taught me to focus on priorities.
Police: What's up then? [pun intended]
Patron: [in a whisper] There's a man here with an erection! You better send down an officer to take care of him.
Police: Officer Wendy Salem will be right down.
Patron: Are you crazy? Wouldn't that be entrapment, having a woman poking around his crotch?
Police: We are just trying to preserve the evidence.

"That [arousal] could happen in most any place, but I think that's the way people are interpreting it - that the guy should not be aroused," Rep. Schottel said. "I guess that would require some court interpretations."

Bingo! You're Married!
Legalized opposite-gender marriage is such a cherished and endangered spiritual tradition that as thousands of witnesses and an Elvis impersonator gazed on, 67 opposite-sex couples took the plunge and tied the knot in the Bingo hall at Legends Casino in Las Vegas. According to Associated Press reports, the couples exchanged rings and kisses during a mass ceremony. Photographer Amy Souders was the first bride to walk down the aisle and, with James Burnpaous, a 20-year-old bull rider and chemist, was the first to recite the solemn vows.

"This is going to be a blast!" said Souders, 26, before taking what was billed as "The Ultimate Leap."
"The major selling point is it's a casino," she said. "All of our rodeo friends probably wouldn't have showed up if it was in a church."

The ceremony - including 600 pounds of wedding cake - was free. The couples were serenaded by Elvis Wendlandt, an Elvis impersonator, who performed "Let It Be Me" before the ceremony and "Love Me Tender" for the newlyweds' first dance.

"I never thought I would get married in a casino. I thought it would be in a church," said Benny Salcedo, 20, a lumberman, marrying Stephanie Charles, 19. Is he an Elvis fan? "I am tonight," he said.

Patricia Rojas, a 22-year-old teacher's assistant, and Emilio Guerrero, a 27-year-old contruction worker, were celebrating a double wedding with her brother and his bride. Rojas admitted to being rather unsettled as the hour got closer. "When I get through the door, hopefully I won't run out," Rojas said.

The Nine-Month Rape
A vicious heterosexual rapist in England has been freed from prison so he can watch his teenage victim give birth to the child he fathered.

The judge's decision to release Arian Armstrong, 21, has ignited outrage among rape crisis groups. Armstrong had agreed to plead "no contest" if he could watch the birth.

A spokesman for the Sexual Assaults Centre says, "This is appalling. It is absolutely outrageous and should not be allowed."

But it was.

The Law Of Magnetic Attraction
A 45-year-old suspect, Harold White, has been charged with one of the more bizarre crimes to hit San Francisco. He has been charged with disturbing the peace with a high-powered magnet.

It seems that the actively heterosexual man would stake out piercing parlors, then follow women who recently had body parts pierced. He would get close to them with his magnet and attempt to "sexually stimulate" his victims with it.

Student-Molesting Married Japanese Teachers
A new study out of Tokyo, Japan, has revealed that one out of seven school girls in the seventh and eighth grades have been sexually harassed by male teachers.

The study, conducted by the Teachers Union, created an uproar after revelations that the men, most legally married practicing heterosexuals, have been propositioning these young girls by offering them "geisha-like massages," asking them out on dates, and making the girls bend down to pick up pencils strategically dropped on the ground.

Successfully Teach Your Wife Importance Of Life: Slaughter Her Pets
An openly heterosexual man who killed eight of his wife's pets to punish her for having an abortion was sentenced to seven months in jail recently in West Bend, Wisconsin. Leonard J. Kritz, 22, stabbed or cut the heads off his wife's pets - including birds, snakes and a chinchilla - saying it was necessary to teach her a lesson about the importance of life.

He pleaded "no contest" to reduced charges of three misdemeanor counts of cruelty to animals.

Washington County Circuit Judge Leo Schlaefer said he was not sure the defendant's actions were in response to the abortion. "Regardless of the philosophical or religious position one takes on abortion, there's absolutely no reason to be violent," said Schlaefer.

At the sentencing hearing, the wife of the pet killer, practicing heterosexual Stacy Kritz, 20, said the killing of her pets was "agreed upon, as part of a punishment," by both of them. Authorities learned of the killings after the woman told her mother.

Defense attorney Jeremy Przybyla said Leonard Kritz had developed a stronger relationship with his wife as a result of the incident. Leonard Kritz called the killings a mistake.

He is scheduled to begin his sentence June 12, after the birth of the child the couple is now expecting.

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