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Those Wacky Heterosexuals
Archived Episode No. 5 Oct 16 2000

Update!
According to Martinsville, Indiana prosecutors, Judy Kirby, 31, that custodial mother of 11 children who intentionally killed four of them by driving into oncoming traffic for nearly two miles before she struck a minivan - killing three of its occupants, the driver and two of his children - will have the support of her doctors at her upcoming trial. They say they will testify that the very actively heterosexual woman suffered from postpartum depression and should not be punished.


It's developing into it's own category
The cavalier attitude some heterosexuals have toward their cherished "marriages" continues to provide TWH with material. This time, it's not a mass Elvis wedding in a bingo hall in Las Vegas, or "Who Wants To Marry A Millionaire?" - although the FAUX network is once again the star of the tale.

"I Want A Divorce" will give the winner marital assets and $100,000 prize money for knowing the most about their opposite-gender partner's life. FAUX is looking for six heterosexual couples to compete in the first two-hour special introductory show, scheduled for February, 2001.

Besides being openly heterosexual (hmmm... what if the couple is from Vermont, where they can legally marry and divorce?) contestants must have already filed for a divorce that isn't final, they can't have children under 18, and each has to be willing to tell his or her side of the divorce story. "I think there will be a great deal of voyeuristic fun because divorce is such a national phenomenon and people maybe don't take marriage as seriously as they used to," said executive producer Peter Isacksen. Isacksen must not get much news. Heterosexual Americans seem to be very jealous of the word "marriage" and are always warning us that they are willing to "defend" that "sacred building block of American society" with everything they've got! Unless 100 grand and the CD collection are up for grabs, apparently.


Divorce Islamic Style
After certain other conditions are met, an avowed heterosexual Islamic husband merely tells his wife three times, "I divorce you," and it's over. The Civil Status Court in Alexandria, Egypt, recently ruled that this Islamic requirement for divorce must be spoken in person, and not delivered by email. A similar question was being discussed in a divorce case in the United Arab Emirates.


Sri Lankans Acting Up Again
The Sri Lanka Press Council got a complaint from Sherman de Rose, a Queer equity campaigner, because the Island newspaper published a radical heterosexual reader's letter urging the release of convicted rapists on an international conference of lesbians that de Rose was helping to arrange in Colombo, the capitol.

The Council heard de Rose's complaint, then ruled that "lesbianism" is an "act of sadism" and an offense under the laws of Sri Lanka, and therefore the "salacious publication of any opinion against such activities does not amount to a promotion of sadism or salacity."

It also ruled that de Rose was guilty of promoting improper values, rather than the letter writer, and fined him $28.


$125,000 Prize In That Pickle
Darrin and Veronica A. Martin went to a McDonald's in Knoxville, Tennessee and ordered a couple of burgers. They got their food, and Mrs. Martin started to eat "the product, to-wit, a small McDonald's hamburger." The pickle dropped out, landing on her chin.

As a result of this "extremely harmful" pickle, Mrs. Martin incurred medical bills, lost wages, and suffered physical and mental pain and anguish that only $110,000 could make right again.

Her legally registered sex partner, Darrin, "has been deprived of the services and consortium of his wife," and his calculations brought his own losses to $15,000. According to the lawsuit, the pickle caused second-degree burns and left a permanent scar on the chin.


Wacky Het Quote
"If you have intercourse you run the risk of dying and the ramifications of death are final," warned singer Cyndi Lauper during an MTV interview. Among the Hollywood set, it's well known that Cyndi's lifestyle is that of a practicing heterosexual.


Now We're Wondering About The Women!
A mob of angry heterosexual women blocked highways and shut down local businesses using tree trunks and boulders in northeast Peru's town of Tabalosos, while chanting, "Our men are really manly men!" The sexually satisfied women were angry about a televised report on Lima's America TV-Channel 4 which said that drinking water from a river that runs through Tabalosos was turning all of its men into homosexuals.

Authorities have demanded a retraction, and townspeople may be filing lawsuits. Tabalosos Mayor Francisco Cueva said, "It's slander! We have always been tough and hardworking." Mayor Cueva told anyone who would listen about the heroic deeds of the town's men while fighting back leftist guerillas in the 1980s.

The outraged town heterosexuals stressed that they have nothing against homosexuals.


Cub Scout Leader Caught In Brownies' Panties
The Toronto Sun quoted Sgt. John Sheldon of the York Regional Police in 1 District as being quite certain of his interpretation of the evidence.

"There's no doubt [these panties] were taken for sexual gratification," said Sgt. Sheldon, as he appealed for possible reports of additional incidents.

The Brownies of the Woodlands Trails Scout Camp on Kennedy Road returned to their Stouffville campsite at around 5:00 a.m. during a weekend camp-out and spotted a man rifling through the bags belonging to the six- to eight-year-old girls.

After a short chase, a couple of Brownie leaders and a male Scout leader from a nearby Scout campsite found their suspect - Grant Gordon Wilson, 49 - captured him, and wrapped him up in duct tape while they waited for police. Police confiscated a flashlight and six panties that were in his possession, charging him with breaking and entering, possession of stolen property, mischief and prowling by night.

Wilson, an avowed practicing heterosexual, had been a Cub Scout leader for nine years.


Pay Attention And You'll Need A Scorecard To Keep Track
Dale Wamsley, and admitted heterosexual, sued Pulanski County because he said the Chief Deputy Assessor, Janet Ward, wanted to have sex with him and "mix blood" with him at midnight under a full moon, and when he refused she demoted him. The Arkansas county handed Wamsley $25,000 in June to settle the lawsuit.

Barbara Sparr, another heterosexual employee of Ward's, has just filed a federal lawsuit because she says she was fired in August for refusing to campaign for Ward against Republican Nora Harris, president of Empower Arkansans (check out the Empower America web site), and because she refused to become the chief deputy for the "self-proclaimed witch" should Ward win the assessor's job in November. Sparr is using the same attorney Wamsley did when he won his $25K. Sparr's lawsuit contends tht her outrage at the way Wamsley was treated was an additional factor in her firing.

Ward did not answer an Arkansas Democrat-Gazette reporter's questions, instead referring the reporter to the man whose office Ward is running to fill, retiring Assessor B. A. McIntosh, who is also named as a defendant in Sparr's lawsuit.

McIntosh, widely believed to be a practicing heterosexual, ridiculed the "self-proclaimed witch" allegation in the lawsuit, which includes speculations about "the reasons Ms. Ward is able to exercise such extensive influence over Mr. McIntosh," such as getting him to often leave Ward in charge of the office during his absences. Also in the federal lawsuit, Sparr states Ward once told her she had tried to put a hex on an employee who had reported Ward's misconduct to McIntosh, but Ward "missed" with the hex and caused an employee in a nearby office to get cancer. Sparr also states that Ward, openly and legally married to a heterosexual male, told her employees that she and Wamsley were reincarnated "Fair Ones" who had lived several lifetimes together.

Previously, Ward has said her research into her family's Scottish heritage and her book on the subject, which contains a character called the "woman of light," along with other mystical elements tied to Scottish legends, may be the source of the "witchcraft" accusations.

The federal lawsuit seeks compensation, punitive damages, Sparr's reinstatement or "front pay" and the appointment of a workplace monitor, supposedly to ensure tht discrimination does not occur.

Perhaps to carry the cloves of garlic? No, that's for vampires, not witches. What were we thinking?


A Paedo Is A Paedo, Right?
Vigilantes attacked Dr. Yvette Cloete's home in South Wales, daubing the word "paedo" on her house with paint. Dr. Cloete is a specialist registrar in paediatric medicine at the Royal Gwent Hospital, according to police. Now Dr. Cloete is staying with friends and plans to move.

"It is really quite staggering that this kind of mistake can happen. Some people are incredibly ignorant," commented hospital administrator Marie Thorn.

Inspector Andrew Adams spoke for the police saying, "We would stress in the strongest possible terms that there is nothing to justify what was written on the walls and doors of Dr. Cloete's home. These people should think long and hard about what they have done to a valuable member of the community who has devoted her life to helping children."

A police spokesperson was quoted in The Guardian newspaper as saying the attack happened because the vandals had confused the words "paediatrician" and "paedophile."

A tabloid newspaper, News of the World, defied police advice this summer and published lists of convicted child sex offenders, triggering vigilante attacks on the homes of suspected child abusers as a wave of anti-paedophile hysteria swept Britain.

Although no suspects have been caught, their dumb-as-stumps actions indicate that they must be practicing heterosexuals.


New Daddy, 14, Raped When 13 And Single, By The Mother, 21, His Wife
The Conyers, Georgia Department of Family and Children's Services arranged for the arrest of 21-year-old Summer Jessica Strickland immediately after the birth of her child. Strickland was released later the same day on $5,000 bond. She's been charged with the statutory rape of her husband, Tony Goss, 14.

Georgia has no age limit on marriage as long as there is parental consent, but Strickland and Goss conceived their baby while Goss was only 13, and not yet married. Prosecutors say that just because the two practicing heterosexuals are now legally married, that does not make their earlier sexual encounter(s) legal. There is no evidence of other sexual encounters when Goss was 13, but the baby's DNA is expected to be the evidence that there was at least one statutory rape. In Georgia, having sex with anyone under the age of 16 who is not a spouse is considered statutory rape. Unless it's a sheep.


Can You Imagine The Length Of The "Wanted" Poster?
Avowed heterosexual Jeane Lewis of New York was convicted of fraud and forgery after claiming that her male lover was her husband. She wanted her insurance company to pay for his $15,000 penile implant. Her partner, Andre Dovilas, was also charged, but he has fled to Haiti with the evidence.


And Finally, A Wacky Het Letter
President Bill Clinton has said that the unchecked AIDS pandemic spreading throughout the heterosexual populations of several large countries, especially in Africa - due to inadequate diagnoses, lack of treatment due to the high cost of pharmaceutical companies put on drugs used a an effective anti-AIDS "cocktail," denial, and a host of other reasons - could prove to be a threat to the national security of the United States if those countries' economies or governments were to collapse under the weight and cost of so many sick and dying people. President Clinton believes a higher priority should be placed on assisting those countries, in the best interests of the U.S.A.

H.S. Solliday, the author of the letter below, appears to have missed the boat entirely, and is swimming along with the likes of Lou Sheldon and D. James Kennedy, whose ideas about treating people with AIDS range from isolating them in treatment centers (prison camps) to forcing them to register their names publicly (target practice).

The Orange County Register, in a county harboring more right-wing het supremacists than Colorado Springs, found H.S. Solliday's very misguided thoughts about Clinton's statements about how AIDS can affect U.S. national security worth the ink.

Found in The Orange County Register, Santa Ana, California
( http://www.ocregister.com )

Letter: There's no wonder we have a security problem
The Clinton administration wants to make AIDS a national security issue. At the same time, Bill Clinton brags about appointing 150 homosexuals to important government posts. I am not a prejudiced person to say that it is well established that homosexuality is the major cause of the spread of AIDS. I know that even though it is a fact we are not supposed to talk about it. But that's one reason it has become a national security issue. If only 3 or 4 percent (not the falsely claimed 10 percent) of the people make a major contribution to worsening a national security issue is it right to remain silent about it? - H.S. Solliday, Tustin.



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