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Those Wacky Heterosexuals
Archived Episode No. 6 Mar 27 2001

Those Wacky Heterosexuals

Episode No. 6
Mar 27 2001

Dirty Work, And They're Not Doing It
In December 2000, authorities ordered a legally married heterosexual couple in Fairfax County, Virginia, out of their three-story home because of the mess. Trash was so heavy that walls had separated from ceilings. Clean-up crews had to crawl on their stomachs to get to some of the garbage. Feral cats, rabid raccoons and rats ran wild. There was a rat's nest in the oven and one rodent weighed nearly three pounds.

As she witnessed the county's clean-up, the wife moaned about losing "everything that was precious to me." The opposite-sex spouses are both well-paid U.S. Department of Labor employees.

The Proof's In The Pork
Following a 900-year-old custom of awarding bacon for happy heterosexual marriages, residents dressed in peasant costumes carried Tim and Nicole Sheehan through the streets of Great Dunmow, Essex, in England, after a jury awarded them a "flitch" or side of bacon for proving they are a happily married couple.

Just Kidding!
Raul Hortena, 24, of Barcelona tried to get an annulment of his marriage to an opposite-sex partner, saying that the marriage paper was never signed. After studying the document, the judge determined that it was signed by Raul but that he had signed it using a joke pen containing "invisible ink," which causes visible ink to "disappear" after a few minutes. The UK Guardian said the annulment was not granted, and that Raul had to pay a fine of $150 for trying such a lame stunt.

How Do You Spell G-U-L-L-I-B-L-E?
A heterosexual German woman's claim that her child was the result of an "immaculate conception" has been backed by a judge, who concluded, "I can't rule out the possibility of divine intervention by God."

Birgit Weiss, 45, told the court she had not had sex with anyone else after the relationship with her former husband broke down. Yet, genetic tests showed the child was not his. Her estranged husband, an avowed heterosexual, accused her of trying to defraud him of child support payments provided by the government to legally married couples.

This one probably should go in Strange, True & Religious, but I was working on this today, and I knew you'd enjoy it!

Wacky Het Florida Supes Abet Pedo
The Chicago Sun-Times reported October 14 that the Florida Supreme Court ruled in favor of a convicted pedophile, granting him custody of his children, ages three and five.

The court said that just because he had been convicted and imprisoned for sexually abusing his eight-year-old step-daughter, that did not necessarily mean he poses a threat to molest his own children.

Do As I Say, Not As I Do
According to The Indianapolis Star and The St. Petersburg Times, New York state Assemblywoman Nancy Calhoun, an avowed heterosexual and co-sponsor of anti-stalking legislation, has pled guilty to harassing a man who had been her companion.

She was accused of making dozens of hang-up phone calls, bursting into his home in the middle of the night, tailgating him, and posing as a cosmetics saleswoman in order to get the phone number of his new opposite-sex companion.

Police Bored In Baraboo
The Milwaukee Journal Sentinel reports that a Baraboo, Wisconsin, woman's 13-year-old son mentioned to a police officer that he was concerned he might have a sexually transmitted disease. Now his mother is facing 15 years in prison and a $10,000 fine. The boy said his mother knew he was sexually active and even bought him condoms, warning him to "make sure it doesn't break" during sex.

Prosecutors say that buying him condoms after learning he was engaging in heterosexual sex with his 15-year-old girlfriend constituted a failure to "prevent her child from being sexually abused."

Derek Horkan, the practicing heterosexual woman's attorney, argued that "talking to your child about sex is constitutionally protected speech that can't be restricted by state laws." Horkan said he could not find a similar case which had ever made it to trial in Wisconsin.

As long as all parties are het, of course. Can you imagine the same story if the 15-year-old girlfriend was another boy?

Clearly A Heterosexual Situation
On January 19, 2001, The Salt Lake Tribune reported that charges are pending from a fight earlier in the week at Hurricane High School. One student was airlifted to a Las Vegas hospital after suffering head injuries. Senior Dereck Isom may have fallen and hit his head on concrete during the confrontation, and was hospitalized for two days before returning to school.

In one version of the fight, Isom's mother says it started when a student called her son "gay" because of his two earrings. The two boys fought for a bit, then Isom turned to walk away and was struck in the back of the head and fell.

In another version, school principal Rob Goulding says Isom began the confrontation, not the other student. "Dereck called the other boy gay because the other boy is a cheerleader," Goulding said. "They called each other gay. You know how kids will make a comment and say, 'That's gay' or 'That's lame.' There was never the intention on either kid's part to say that the other one was homosexual. It clearly wasn't a homosexual situation."

Police and school officials would not identify the other boy. The Salt Lake Tribune does not identify suspects unless they have been charged.

The unnamed student was suspended for a day, the school's usual disciplinary procedure for fighting, Goulding said. He said the boy "was just sick" when he found out Isom had been taken to the hospital.

Paul Christensen, deputy Washington County attorney, said charges would be filed but did not say who would be charged or what the charges would be.

Mothers-In-Law From Het Hell
In 1999, the favorite weapon for husbands and mothers-in-law in Bangladesh was sulfuric acid.

In December, 2000, The New York Times reported that in Bangalore, India, the new weapon of choice in mother-in-law attacks on their sons' wives is kerosene. Hospital burn wards are filled with "thousands" of grotesquely disfigured wives whose primary mistake was either bringing too few valuables to the marriage (poor dowry), or not meeting their attackers' standards when doing household chores.

Tainted Taters Can't Separate Them, 4 To 10 Years In Jail Can
Heather Miller, 26, of Doylestown, Pennsylvania, has been sentenced to four to 10 years in prison for plotting to murder the man to whom she is legally married, Kevin Miller, 32. During her trial, Heather Miller testified that she and another heterosexual, a neighbor, had hatched the plot to kill her opposite-sex spouse by poisoning his mashed potatoes. She said she backed out before the plan could be carried out.

Prosecutors said Heather would have gone through with the scheme if she had not been arrested. She was turned in by two of her best friends, who were so shocked by her plan that they wore a hidden wire to help police tape record her. The mother of four children, Heather was convicted of attempted homicide, solicitation to commit homicide and assault. She could have been sentenced to up to 40 years in prison.

Kevin Miller said the two practicing heterosexuals had reconciled since Heather's arrest, and during the trial they were openly affectionate. He said he considered his wife's plot just "a domestic situation that got totally out of hand."

Welsh Prisoner Gives Birth After Cell Sex
A teenager who became pregnant after sex with her male companion while they were both behind bars gave birth in November. Donna Stokes, 19, performed sex acts with 24-year-old Paul Rosser through the bars of a cell while they were waiting to have their cases heard at Swansea Crown Court. An inquiry was carried out after it was confirmed that Stokes was pregnant.

The unmarried avowed heterosexuals, who had an ongoing three-year relationship, were being held separately in custody awaiting a court appearance.

Stokes - accused of burglary, theft and driving offenses - was driven to the court from a holding center. Rosser was also there, facing charges relating to a burglary and a machete attack. Stokes, from Bon-y-maen in Swansea, said she was made to stand in a corridor, separated by bars from the men's cells where Rosser was being held.

"We hadn't seen each other for months and were all over each other through a barred gate in the middle of the corridor," Stokes said, adding that they managed to have sex through the bars despite the presence of security escort staff from Bristol-based Reliance Custodial Services. A security guard was later disciplined.

Stokes is being held at Holloway prison in London and will be allowed to keep her daughter, Tameka, with her until she is freed. Rosser continues to serve his sentence for burglary and the machete attack. The opposite-sex couple has told friends that they want to legally marry when they are released.

No, You Can't.
Wayne Roth, 38, of Pittston, Pennsylvania, was bitten by a cobra belonging to his friend, Roger Croteau, after playfully reaching into the tank and picking up the snake. Roth, a self-confessed heterosexual, subsequently refused to go to a hospital, telling Croteau, "I'm a man, I can handle it."

Instead of going to a hospital, Roth went to a bar. He had three drinks while bragging that he had just been bitten by a cobra. Cobra venom is a slow-acting central nervous system toxin. He died within a few hours, in Jenkins Township, Pennsylvania.

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