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Those Wacky Heterosexuals
Archived Issue #8 August 20 2007

Those Wacky Heterosexuals

Issue #8 August 20 2007

To set the proper mood for the first story in this episode of Those Wacky Heterosexuals, here's an unrelated clip showing a Chinese waitress being murdered (not a gory visual) while no one around her does a thing to help her or to stop her killer. Except one woman who steals her bag while she's lying on the floor bleeding to death. (Don't get too lost browsing over at NothingToxic.com)
Brutal Stabbing of a Chinese Waitress Standing in Line
Unless she's the same waitress I had the other day at Bob Evans, I can't imagine her waitressing is <i>that</i> bad to deserve being murdered. So if anyone has more info, please let me know.
Get humor videos at NothingToxic

'Christian Warrior State' Shoppers In Kansas Step Over
And Take Cell Phone Pics Of Stabbed, Bleeding, Dying Woman

The Wichita Eagle reports that as stabbing victim LaShanda Calloway, 27, lay dying on the floor of a convenience store five shoppers - including one who stopped to take a picture of her with a cell phone - stepped over her. Police refused to release the store's surveillance video, saying it is part of their investigation.

"It was tragic to watch," Wichita, Kansas police spokesman Gordon Bassham said. "The fact that people were more interested in taking a picture with a cell phone and shopping for snacks rather than helping this innocent young woman is, frankly, revolting."

LaShanda was stabbed June 23, 2007, during an altercation that was not part of a robbery. It was two minutes before someone called 911, and LaShanda died later in a hospital. Cherish M. McCullough, 19, has been charged with first-degree murder. Another suspect who turned himself in has not been charged yet. It is unlikely any of the shoppers will be charged because a state statute for failure to render aid refers only to victims of a car accident.

Wichita Police Chief Norman Williams told the newspaper, "This is just appalling. I could continue shopping and not render aid and then take time out to take a picture? That's crazy. What happened to our respect for life?"



Anti-Porn Super-Het Ronda Storms Emails Vagina Close-Up
original story
Florida's anti-gay Hillsborough County Commissioner [now a Florida State Senator] Ronda Storms got lots of "colorful" e-mail after she launched another sexuality oriented campaign, this time against obscenity on public access television. When she got an email the morning of April 11 - with a sexually explicit photo attached - she decided to share it with fellow commissioners. With no pre-emptive warning, except the message, "For your information -- we received this e-mail this morning. Please contact our office if you should have any questions," Storms forwarded the email to each of the 11 other aides on the floor.

As The St. Petersburg Times describes it, "Throughout the neighboring offices at County Center came a domino-tumbling reaction of gasps, sighs and cries of shock as commissioners' aides opened their e-mail." Storms may have violated county policy, or even broken the law by distributing what she herself considers obscene material.

Commission Chairwoman Pat Frank was not amused. "I think for her to share that with staff ... without any warning, is really not consistent with Ronda's position in terms of not exposing people to illicit material without their consent. Frank's aide, Carol LePierre, got the forwarded email titled "My picture."

When LePierre opened the attachment she was confronted by a full-screen color photo of female genitalia. "How's this for free speech?" asked the email, which accused Storms of trying to control free speech by fighting to shut down "The Happy Show", airing on the county's public access channel and featuring similar close-ups of female genitalia and nude women, and called her a "closet viewer." Storms objected because the producer did not include required adult-content advisories before, during and after the show.

Frank promptly contacted County Attorney Emeline Acton to ask if it is against county policy to distribute objectionable material on county computers. Commissioner Jan Platt did the same and is asking whether - if the material is deemed obscene - Storms violated the law by distributing it. A week before Storms sent the objectionable material, Frank and Platt lost 5-2 a commission vote that gave operators of the station 24 hours to prove they hadn't breached their contract by airing "The Happy Show". The station's operators, non-profit Speak Up Tampa Bay, have since been found in breach.

Storms said she found the e-mail so objectionable she felt other commissioners should see it. "I don't see how you can be intellectually honest when you say you support funding that and object to receiving it on your email system," she said, without addressing the lack of any warning adult-content advisory in the email she sent.

Platt said the two aren't comparable. "Cable you can turn off," Platt said. "This is just foisted upon you, like it or not. I'm surprised she of all people would be distributing that electronically because of the legal implications."

Stacey Easterling, a commissioner who supported Storms against Speak Up Tampa Bay, said she felt distributing the disturbing email was "over the top." "What I find peculiar is that as much as Ronda tries to separate herself from these people, she's now putting herself in their shoes. She's peddling smut." Easterling is challenging anti-gay Commissioner Jim Norman for an at-large commission seat, while Norman and Storms have been allies on the commission. Easterling jokingly told one of her staffers she hopes no one uses the image as a screen-saver. "I could only imagine someone saying, "It's my First Amendment right.'"

County attorney Acton, reviewing the matter, said county employees are advised not to use county computers to send objectionable material, but she is not aware if the policy applies to commissioners. She sent a letter to State Attorney Mark Ober about the email and asked him to investigate whether the original sender broke any law.



Wacky Het Couldn't Wait Four Months, Facing 30 Years
A California high school teacher of band, choir and orchestra at Capuchino High School will be charged only with conduct that occurred from February through May, when a female student turned 18 years old. Adam Albrecht, 28, faces 16 felony counts of oral copulation with a minor and 16 felony counts of unlawful sexual intercourse with a 17-year-old.

Chief Deputy District Attorney Steve Wagstaffe said Albrecht will also be charged with attempting to dissuade a witness, possession of less than an ounce of marijuana, and contributing to the delinquency of a minor for allegedly providing the girl with alcohol and marijuana. He faces up to about 30 years in prison if convicted as charged, Wagstaffe said, adding, "not that we're seeking that." Albrecht is being held in San Mateo County jail on $500,000 bail. The student's mother discovered "numerous calls and text messages in the cell phone bill to the band teacher," Wagstaffe said, and confronted her daughter, which led to the criminal investigation.



Curiosity Didn't Kill, 16-Year-Old Het Girls Did
Two presumed-heterosexual teenage girls in Western Australia killed a friend to see whether they would feel remorse. They didn't. Their new sentences of life in prison, with a minimum sentence of 15 years, will give each time to develop something resembling a conscience. The girls, both 16 at the time of the murder, strangled 15-year-old Eliza Jane Davis then buried her under a house. They told police they knew it was wrong to kill but it "felt right," and they did not regret Davis's death. Perth Children's Court president Denis Reynolds said the murder was "gruesome and merciless in the extreme." The pair cannot be named because of their age.

While the three were staying at the same house in the coal-mining town of Collie, south of Perth, on June 18, 2006, the 16-year-olds had been discussing how neither would feel bad about committing murder when they decided to kill Davis, who was sleeping in another room. They dressed in old clothes, then strangled Davis with speaker wire and buried her body under the house.

The girls only confessed to police after deciding that the grave was too shallow and they would inevitably be caught. Earlier, they had reported Davis as missing and pretended to help search for her. Their lawyers said experts were baffled as to the motivation behind the attack.



Het Boys, 14 & 16, Force 12-Year-Old Into Sex With His Mother
West Palm Beach, Florida teenagers Avion Lawson, 14, and Nathan Walker, 16, have been accused of gang-raping a woman and forcing her 12-year-old son to join in the attack, then beating him and pouring cleaning solutions into his eyes.

Lawson and Walker were among a group of about 10 masked suspects who forced their way into the woman's apartment in Dunbar Village, a crime-ridden housing project where Lawson also lived and where Walker was visiting a friend. They are being held without bail on suspicion of armed sexual battery by multiple perpetrators, sexual performance by a child, armed home invasion and aggravated battery. Authorities believe the suspects all knew each other from the neighborhood, but they don't think they knew the victims directly.

"Any rape case is horrible but this takes it to another level, something you can't think of even in your worst dreams," police spokesman Ted White said.

According to the police report, a man knocked on the woman's door at about 9 p.m. and told her he had a flat tire. The mother and son went outside and were ambushed by a group of gun-wielding suspects. The victims were forced back into their home, where the men raped, sodomized and beat the woman, then forced her son to participate in the assault at gunpoint, making him have sex with his mother in front of them. The boy was then beaten and had numerous household cleaning liquids poured into his eyes. The suspects also stole a few hundred dollars worth of cash and jewelry.

More arrests are pending, but authorities would not say if they had identified additional suspects. Lawson and Walker were not cooperating, but Lawson confessed to taking part in the attack, according to police. Walker has denied involvement. DNA evidence in a condom found in the victims' home linked Lawson to the crime and a palm print belonging to Walker was found at the scene.



This Old News Is Still Wacky Het News
Harvard University's science-humor magazine, the Annals of Improbable Research, awarded its annual Ig Nobel Prizes on October 6, 2000 to winners in literature, physics, public health, and seven other categories. We'll be following these more closely in the future. The awards, which spoof the Nobel Prizes, celebrate achievements that "cannot or should not be reproduced." Genuine Nobel laureates participated in the ceremony, which also featured the annual "Win-a-Date-With-a-Nobel-Laureate" contest.

David Dunning, of Cornell University, and Justin Kruger, of the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, received the psychology award for their report "Unskilled and Unaware of It: How Difficulties in Recognizing One's Own Incompetence Lead to Inflated Self-Assessments."

Jasmuheen (formerly known as Ellen Greve), of Brisbane, Australia, received the literature award for her book Living on Light (Koha Publishing, 1998), which explains that although some people do eat food, they don't ever really need to.

Richard Wassersug, of Dalhousie University, in Halifax, Nova Scotia, received the biology award for his report "On the Comparative Palatability of Some Dry-Season Tadpoles From Costa Rica."

Andre Geim, of the University of Nijmegen, in the Netherlands, and Sir Michael Berry, of the University of Bristol, in Britain, received the physics award for using magnets to levitate a frog and a sumo wrestler.

Donatella Marazziti, Alessandra Rossi, and Giovanni B. Cassano, of the University of Pisa, in Italy, and Hagop S. Akiskal, of the University of California at San Diego, received the chemistry award for their discovery that, biochemically, romantic love may be indistinguishable from severe obsessive-compulsive disorder.

The Rev. Sun Myung Moon received the economics award for bringing efficiency and steady growth to the mass-marriage industry, with, according to his reports, a 36-couple wedding in 1960, a 430-couple wedding in 1968, an 1,800-couple wedding in 1975, a 6,000-couple wedding in 1982, a 30,000-couple wedding in 1992, a 360,000-couple wedding in 1995, and a 36-million-couple wedding in 1997.

Willibrord Weijmar Schultz, Pek van Andel, and Eduard Mooyaart, of Groningen, the Netherlands, and Ida Sabelis, of Amsterdam, received the medicine award for their "illuminating" report, "Magnetic Resonance Imaging of Male and Female Genitals During Coitus and Female Sexual Arousal."

Chris Niswander, of Tucson, received the computer-science award for inventing PawSense, software that detects when a cat is walking across a computer keyboard and ignores the resulting keystrokes.

The British Royal Navy received the peace award for ordering its sailors to stop using live cannon shells, and to instead just shout, "Bang!"

Jonathan Wyatt, Gordon McNaughton, and William Tullet, of Glasgow, received the public-health award for their "alarming" report, "The Collapse of Toilets in Glasgow."



Those Wacky Hets' Traditional Family Values
Those Wacky Hets In Their Natural Environment



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