Those Wacky Heterosexuals

Those Wacky Heterosexuals Episode No. 1

Saturday, February 26th, 2000

February 26, 2000

Police arrest doctor for padlocking a woman’s vagina
Beijing, China — According to Wednesday’s Beijing Evening News, Dr. Yao Yung, an avowed heterosexual, has been arrested after suspicious neighbors reported witnessing his live-in girlfriend, 22-year-old Liu, having difficulty walking.

Police discovered Liu had a rusty padlock pierced through two holes in her labia. Dr. Yung surrendered the key when Liu led officers to the local clinic where he worked. He had drugged and raped Liu during a check-up, forcing her to live with him by threatening to kill her family.

Church worker cuts off the head of son’s daughter’s mother with an axe
London — Anthony Phillips, 43, was a church steward and promoter of heterosexuality at the time he decapitated Lorraine Howell with an axe. Howell lived next door, and Phillips discovered she had recently given birth to a girl, fathered by his son, Jamie.

In court, Phillips was described by a supportive group of fellow religion supremacist heterosexuals as a deeply religious man, who told police he thought he was doing his god’s work by killing Howell. Her two children were also in the home during the decapitation. Phillips believes that she raped Jamie when she was 34 and Jamie was 15.